cleansing.

 

Question of the blog:

“How does your room looks?”

I have always had this theory that the way your room looks determines the inside of your mind. My bedroom has always been my safe place since I was a kid. I cried, laughed, danced, sang, worked, and rest there my whole life (well, except when I moved to Jakarta). But nevertheless, let me rephrase the question, ‘How clean is your room? Is it tidy enough? Colorful enough? Comfortable enough? Suitable enough for you?’. Those are the questions that have been stuck in my head for the past few years. On how each bedroom of each individual, represents their character. From the way you decorated your desk with every little tiny thing that you kept to the walls that are filled with your life elements, they are there for reasons you might not realize consciously. 

My bedroom is a mix of three personalities, not because I have three personalities, but because I share the bedroom with my sisters (I have more than three personalities if you care to notice all of the crazy things that I have been exploring lol). Anyway, you are probably wondering, ‘why are we talking about bedroom, epi?’. Well, to be honest, my bedroom has been pretty messy. By ‘pretty messy’, I mean a ‘shipwreck messy’. Clothes are everywhere, books are placed nowhere, and other accessories are all over the room. My desk is filled with diverse materials and infinite stories untold just by looking at the grayish desk I designed when I wanted to be an architect. Honestly, I haven’t been writing that much and you know what that means: epi is being a professional over-thinker who overthinks everywhere, every when, every how, every why, every which, and everything all at once (if you know the movie reference, hit me up, we should talk about the movie yuhu). 

Yeah, I have been a mess. Correction: I am a mess. A blurry mess to be exact. It’s crazy, isn’t it? How social media can fool everyone into thinking that you got your life all figured out when in reality, you have no clue about what has been happening and what will happen in your life. I don’t know if it’s because of the ‘too much’ overthinking, but I have been, you know, ‘thinking’. I have been all over the place. I want to do a lot of things, but it feels like time is not compromising on my dreams. On the contrary, time is also showing me that I haven’t used it wisely. At first, I wanted to do a vlog…? And then I wanted to make a podcast (?). But then, I want to publish a book. You see? This girl just wants to pursue lots of things but she tends to burn herself out and wonder why is she still single when she needs temporary comfort during her burning out phase. However, she build up this wall around her whenever anyone wanted to approach her and showed her their interests. She would complain about her ‘single’ status but she never got the clue when someone is interested in her. She asked ‘why’ is she not going on any dates when she was too blind to realize that she went to multiple ‘hangouts’ with great guys. 

Although I have been posting a lot on my Instagram despite the fact that I used to be very anxious about posting a single story, Instagram stories could fool you. Instagram story is a part of social media and to me, social media works like water. Social media could make you flow so deeply and fast that you forgot what you were trying to do in the first place. You consumed too much information in such a short time that you don’t realize how time-consuming it is. Maybe social media could be hydrating for you to consume but too much water won’t be great for your body, right? Social media could be a place for you to surf through all of the ‘trendy’ waves but it could also drown you with its fast phase wave. I don’t know whether it is because of the insane amount of instant dopamine that I received over the past months but I realized I have been neglecting some of the things that I should put more attention and effort in. Some of the examples are, blogging, journalling, praying, editing, and other adulthood responsibilities that I should have paid more attention to. I realized that neglecting them was a wake-up call for me to cleanse my life, start cleaning my room and redecorate it with new stories that I want to hang. 

So here is a short update from this messy person through a messy blog post that she wrote to reduce her overthinking. Hope I will write you soon about some of the other overthinking topics. Thank you for being here, like always. 

Love, epi. 

Pekanbaru, Riau 

27.01.23 [00:22]