soulmate(s).

Dear friend,

I am supposed to be writing my papers right now but I guess my brain isn’t working and I am feeling a little burnt out. I can’t really think straight and I don’t know what am I supposed to do right now. I guess it can be coming from a lot of factors but the majority of the cause is probably the “overthinking” part. I have been overthinking a lot lately and I don’t know how to make it stop or even ‘less’.

I lied before. I lied about having it all figure it out. The truth is, I never got the chance to think rationally straight for the past months. My mind is a bit blurry and I have no idea how to make everything clear again. My theory from all of this is that it is probably because I have been using my social media again, which is honestly and terrifyingly become a very bad thing for my mental health. These days I have been comparing myself with other people most of the time whenever I am scrolling to my feeds or whether I am just looking at others. Yes. Others. I don’t know how to make everything sounds sense to you because it’s literally the most insane thing you will ever hear. It is up to you to believe it or not but whenever I look at people I could literally feel what they are feeling and my intuition could sense what the other person has gone through. In a blink of an eye, I could literally know their stories and the reasons behind why they do certain things or why they act the way they act. I guess that’s probably why I feel so burnt out these days because I have to deal with lots of emotions and frequency from diverse people. It doesn’t mean that I hate it or whatsoever, it is just that I am tired. I am tired of people. I am tired of socializing and I am tired to pretend that I got it all figure it out because I am not. I am tired of myself whenever I am around people because most of the time I have to pretend to be something that I am not and I don’t know how to control all of that. Sometimes everything just happens so fast and I could literally be in every group of people there are which kind of makes me a chameleon in a way. Some people say it is a gift but as an INFJ all I could say is that it is also a curse. Sometimes I just want to be normal and act the way other people do where they have their own certain frequency that they hold up firmly because I don’t really have that. I could have lots of friends that I could hang out and have fun with but at the end of the day I have no idea where I belong or whether my mind is too weird for the world to make it as one of the standardization that they have created or whether I am just an alien in this modern society.

When I was a kid I debate whether I should be this or that just to have a sense of belonging in the society or so that I could have lots of friends because they would accept me into their ‘cliques’ if I am the same as them. I would then blend in into their conversation about their favorite shoe brand or clothes brand that I have absolutely no idea about because most of the time I just stay at home and rarely go out (which is why I have no clue about any brand or the famous café that they usually hang out during the weekend). But then, I forced myself to blend into them anyway. I forced myself to like to small conversation they had and the hot gossips about some other girls and boys they know. I thought it was pretty fun because then I have felt a sense of belonging in some places and in some cliques. However, I realize that it wasn’t me at all because honestly, I hate small talk. I hate gossiping because it just feels wrong to talk about other people’s businesses but the idiotic and narcissistic old me went into that deep hole of gossips and fakeness which made me the fakest of them all.

To be honest, I don’t like talking about what drinks you drink yesterday or whether you bought some donuts on the way home, I would like to talk about your dreams and hopes. I would like to talk about all of the things that make you feel alive and all the things that you want to learn and do in life. I would like to know all of the bad memories and bad decisions you made throughout your life where you explain that turns out those bad decisions aren’t as bad as you think it was because it turns out to be the best decision you have ever made because now you are in the exact point you want to be. I would like to hear about all of the sources of joy in your life. For example, when you smile when you look at the beautiful blue skies with white clouds surrounding the sun so that it is not too hot but it is the perfect feeling of warmness touching your skin as you close your eyes to let your body feel in those feeling that makes you feel alive. I would like to hear your favorite music and how every favorite song you have tell its own story which makes you re-live those moments whenever you listen to them. I would like to know about your go-to sad and happy songs. Songs that make you cry your heart out because you can relate to the song deeply and it makes you less alone because you know that someone out there had felt the same pain you have felt which helps you cope with your own reason of sadness. I would like to know the songs that make you feel like you can take on the world, songs that help you go through your bad and worst day in your life but you can still end it with a smile and joy and a little bit of hope that tomorrow will be better and that you will be happy again.

I would like to know about your favorite movies and books. Movies that could make your tears drop from your black (or any color) eye-balls because of how the character in the movie had occurred something bad (or sad) and you could feel what the character feels because you know. You just know that it is sad. I would like to know about all of those crazy and hilarious movies that make you laugh out loud which makes your stomach heart and your tears started to drop as your eyes sprint and your cheeks started to cramp. I would like to know all of that because I know that that means a lot to all of us. All those bad and crazy or happy moments in our life happened for a reason and whatever those reasons are or were, I just want to know your stories and I would like to learn more about other people.

Although I would like to know all of those things about other people, sometimes I feel like I am just stupid and selfless because it is so rare to find people that have the same interest as you in the context of other people. I don’t want to be egoistic or selfish but sometimes I just want other people to look at meeting the way I look at other people. I really believe that everyone has their own reasons and potential for growing the best version of themselves. It is just really sad to realize that most of the people that I really hold into aren’t into me that much and I am just as most of the people say, ‘acquaintances’. I feel like they aren’t fully invested in getting to know me whether on the other side I really do care and want to know them better and deeper. These couple of months got me realizing that not all people feel and act the way I do. I really do understand all of it. I understand that we are different. I understand that being ‘different’ is the beauty of it all. However, I just feel so lonely these past days. I know and believe that my soul-mate(s) is out there somewhere just waiting for the universe to connect us together and we could all be bonding together soul-ly and not just people that we meet for a ‘talk’ or ‘catching up’ but the people who know. Knows whether things that happened to us happen for a reason and we just need to live long enough to get all of the reasons where everything could all make sense and we could feel less lonely in this crowded and yet empty place.

I believe that soulmate doesn’t come merely as the definition of your “partner” to the end of your time. I believe in soulmate(s). Yes. With an “s”. As in plural. This means that I believe my soulmate(s) are out there somewhere and some of them had already intertwined in my life where they gave me a sense of impression and memories in my life. I believe that everyone that I have met in my life is my soulmate(s). Unfortunately, most of them leave me earlier or sooner than some, and only a few stick by me through it all. Yes. Through hell and heaven (as what they say it is). Some of them stick by me when I was at my worse where others left me during those heavy times and came back when the storm had passed their time. Some came to my life when they thought that I have figured everything out so that they would not have any burden in their life (well this is just an opinion, but from my personal experiences, I could say it is kind of the truth. Some people only come when there has been pure bliss in your life and they could easily come into your life while they have never looked at you when you were no one). Either way, they are some of my soulmates in my life where only a few stick around until today and most of them just had different paths without me in their life. I am not mad about it though, I believe it is what it is. Isn’t it all the things that we called ‘normal’ these days? People are individuals who have their own egoistic sensing and intuition in their life and that’s humane. I am an egoist too and I do sometimes take advantage of other people just the way they took advantage of me. There’s no shame to it because sadly it is just the way humans do and it is very difficult to change all of that.

These days I hope that I could take care of myself first rather than other people because it can be very difficult to prioritize yourself when you just know that other people’s difficulties and stories. I sometimes wish that I could turn it off but I can’t because it is just the way I do in my life and there’s nothing I could do about it.

Alright then I guess that is all for today’s update. I am supposed to be working on my research papers but instead, I am doing this again because I thought it will be therapeutic for me to write the things that have been on my mind for the past few days. Hopefully, I could start working on my papers after this because I have lots of deadlines that need to catch. If you are still reading right now, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for being here. Thank you because I really hope that you understand and know the things that I have told you in this blog. Thank you for staying so that I could feel less alienated in this crowded place.

20/7/2021 17:04

Love, Evie