I know it has been a long time since I wrote anything on this blog, but are you still pumped up when you got the notification?
Sorry for not posting anything for the past 6-7 months, I have been occupying myself with diverse interests and I have no idea how, to sum up, the entire journey. A lot happened in the first half of 2022. So here are some of the updates I can give you:
December:
Not long after I posted the last post, I dealt with an event that I never know would happen to me. I guess it happened suddenly and along with my “burnout” condition, it was disastrous too. Not trying to make you pity me, but it was honestly a train wreck if you know what I mean. I tried to write about it when it happened, but I just didn’t know where to start and I didn’t know how it will end. Other than the fact that I got to watch the (well used to be) new Spiderman movie, December wasn’t my month.
January:
January was also quite a roller coaster, it was the time that I finally started to heal myself. I cried a lot (still), but January was starting to feel like, maybe, I can be better, ya know? I can’t exactly tell you what happened, but I can tell you this, I was heartbroken. Heartbroken to the core. The event from December was still haunting me and I didn’t know how to talk about it. I didn’t understand why I was feeling everything at once. Although my sister did come home with her boyfriend for Chinese New Year and along with my family, we were having fun and doing some traveling across the city, I still didn’t know how to properly cope with my feelings.
Therefore, I started a new account. Well, at least, probably, you can call it, a “renew“ account(?). I actually have the account since 2019, to post some of the pics that I took when I went on a holiday with my family. I was planning to use that account for a photography account. But, the account pretty much died along with the pandemic because I didn't even log into the account anymore. So then, when I thought I couldn’t fully express myself to other people, whether it is through talking or just trying not to cry while I am explaining to them what happened in December, I use the account to express myself.
At first, I use @epidisposable (it’s on Instagram, you can check it if you want to) by posting some of the pics that I took in my neighborhood and I wrote what I have been thinking through the captions. But then, because I thought that it wasn’t enough for me to feel fulfilling or some of you might say ‘relieving’, I began experimenting by writing my thoughts and feelings down via ‘notes’ on my phone. Surprisingly, during the first week, I had written many things on my mind that I have never thought will be memorable excerpts that I will forever long for and it is being framed on the internet for good.
February:
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| My face when I realized that I have finished my term papers^ |
Just when I thought things will get better, unexpected things keep throwing me their realities at the most inconvenient time ever. Other than the fact that I was limping through my 3rd Semester finals, many versions of stories about the December ‘event’ that I didn’t know kept on coming toward me. I was crying a lot (again) through my finals as I didn’t expect the pages would flip over the way that they did.
Through the bad and good, you will go through it.
Just remember to smile more and have a little fun out of life.
However, because I was going to Jakarta for the first time (for real, I have never gone to Jakarta. If you think that traveling around the airport looking for Krispy Kreme donuts while waiting for your transits flight counts as ‘visiting Jakarta’, well then yes, yes I have gone to Jakarta. But this time, let's just say that I have never visited Jakarta), I was pretty excited to have a new start in my life. I was so excited about turning on a new chapter that I am going to write upon. I went to Jakarta on the 25th of February and honestly, a lot had happened that day. Good and bad, to be exact. Since then, I lived with my older sister in her share room (in Indonesia we call it ‘kost’).
March:
I did a lot of things in March.
1. Keep on Posting Content on @epidisposable. Which has been absolutely incredible for me. I realized that I don’t really care about whether I gained lots of followers or not, it’s just a passion of mine and I got nothing to lose when I have a platform that I can use to reduce my overthinking. I also got to learn how writing my thoughts down with little effort turns out to have a huge impact rewarding me on every single post.
2. I Tried KRL (Kereta Rel Listrik) for the first time. I don't care what people say, I think trains and train stations are very aesthetic. The way its machine produced mechanics sounds as you ride them and the way you heard the sound of their brakes when it had to stop just right before it hit the stop sign in front of their tracks. I just hope that people could appreciate public transportation more because it is eco-friendly and wallet-friendly too.
3. I Went to IKEA for the First Time. IKEA was amazing. Growing up in Pekanbaru, I didn't get the chance to explore that much, whether it is because there's nothing much to explore in Pekanbaru or just because I am a home person that rarely goes out, but when I went to IKEA, it's like my inner child is having the time of her life looking at furniture and aesthetic, yet expensive soft cushions. I am not sure though, because I believe my older-wiser self would probably be happy to go to IKEA. I tried the meatballs with its mashed potatoes and their ice cream is really great and cheap too!! You should try it sometimes.
4. Meeting My Friends. After 1.5 long years, I finally got to meet up with my friends from university. I was afraid that it might be awkward when I first saw them, considering we only have been talking via discord and zoom before. But then, I didn't realize how much I have known them because when we met, it was everything but awkward. We talk a lot, just like we always do through online platforms. I actually had a lot of fun.
5. Starting a New Responsibility. I began a new chapter in my college's organization in which I become the manager of Public Relations. Long story short, the process wasn't easy and full of bumpy roads throughout the ride but it was worth it. My kids are fun and supportive, I have never been happier because the Universe and God have shown me their ways into my life. At first, I was confused about why the path is strongly leading me in this direction, but after I took the chance, it was amazing. I have never been so happier and fulfilled in PR.
6. Going to My University (offline this time). I finally got to see my university’s tall building with its exquisite architecture. I didn't realize how bougie it was until I got to see the place. I guess the money my parents are paying is worth it (?).
7. Studying on a MUN Desk. Did I ever tell you that I took International Relations as my major? Well, turns out taking that major is more fun offline because I paid more attention to my lecture when they are literally explaining the topic of humanity in front of my face. With the nine of us (including the lecturer) in class, there wasn't much heat to take on and the class is very cold you might think that you are actually studying at the North Pole. However, it was worth it because I got to finally experienced offline learning before my student exchange program.
8. Teaching as an English Tutor. I have always wanted to be a tutor and I was so happy when I found out that I got the job. Yes, plural. I become a Public Speaking and Performance Class Tutor and I also become a TOEFL Class tutor. Never thought the girl who always dislike the idea of herself teaching in front of kids would actually become one. However, I gained a lot of experiences and I truly hope that my students would gain something from the things that I had given them.
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| PSP Class^^ |
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| TOEFL Class^^ |
9. Exploring Jakarta. Before I arrived in Jakarta, I was extremely anxious because of the things that people said to me. “Never walk alone”, “don't talk to strangers", "don't take public transportation”, etc, etc. I never really know why they have all those kinds of bad scenarios implemented in them about Jakarta. I guess because I wasn't thinking about it, I just go along with my guts.
I travel alone most of the time and honestly, it went great. I encountered many new people along the way and surprisingly, strangers talk to me all the time (not in that kind of way…). Most of them just talk as if they are meeting an old friend that they haven't talked to for a long time. Some of them even talk their hearts out with me, whether it is about their past, present, or even their plans for the future. I don't really know why, but some of my friends told me that maybe I just have this ‘magnetic’ towards people in which they are comfortable enough to talk about their problems with me. lol. Yeah. I know. Weird.
Anyway, just like the title of this number shows, I explored a lot of places in Jakarta. I went to a lot of museums, went to an art exhibition, tried Jakarta’s traditional cuisines, went to the National Library and I took public transportations everywhere I go (trust me, it is not as scary as you think it would. Don't overthink it, just try it. It's fun) in which I gained some new friends along the way too.
Overall, I did a lot of things in March. I gained more friends, learned more skills, developed more passions, and certainly experienced more experiences.
April:
April went pretty much the same as March. Other than my endless assignments from my classes and organizations, I did a lot of study sessions in between my hectic schedule. I got to hang out a lot with my friends and I joined another English Competition. I joined a Short Story Writing (SSW) competition [which I didn’t win fyi], but it was a great way to express my deeper feelings that I couldn’t fully express before.
April ended with my 3rd Semester MID Exam and it went pretty wild y’all. I had a sleepover at my friend’s house and in between those long hours of reading and writing sessions through the exams, my mom called and said that she was kind of missing me hehe. She told me to go home as soon as I told her about my two weeks holiday before my semester starts. So then I quickly went back home for my final exams.
My flight was way early in the morning but it was worth the cheap price :D. Fortunately, the rest of my exams went smoothly as I never thought that I would miss having to study at my favorite corner near the window on those rainy days. My mind was hell hath no fury writing down my essays while drinking my cup of tea with Chase (my cat) (well, technically, my sister/grandma’s cat) playing around and me trying so hard to stay focused. Being home was fun. Being home was great, but home-cooked meals were better tho.
May:
May was filling me with nostalgia (and food) throughout my one-month staying in Pekanbaru. Yes, I know. I have only been living in Jakarta for a couple of months, but it felt like a long time ago since I got to ride my bike across the city chasing sunsets. Speaking of sunsets, Pekanbaru has never failed to amaze me with its natural beauty. The sky is always showing its beautiful clear blue color through the cotton-candy-shaped white clouds. Although it always feels so hot every time and everywhere, the sun is always shimmering its brightest light to the city, providing the Vitamin D we all need.
Mr. Brightsight always provides the mixed gradient of sunsets whenever I took a ride downtown. Although it felt like a sauna whenever I wear my thick padded jacket, I would feel better afterward and satisfied with the beauty unfolding itself in front of me. You see, I didn’t actually appreciate the beauty before. Back when I was a kid, I didn’t realize how beautiful it was. How beautiful my city was until I couldn’t get a hold of it anymore. With the pollution and over-populated people, I can’t really have that kind of view in Jakarta. All I see is grayish skies and those weren’t clouds lol.
Besides chasing sunsets and walking down memory lane while visiting my favorite spots in the city, I got to hang out with my friends from High School. I didn’t realize how quickly the time has passed, the second you were gossiping about who dates who, then you look back and realized how silly those topics were. After graduating from High School, I don’t really want to spare my time minding other people’s business, I barely have time to finish all my tasks and bucket lists :D. When I met up with my long-time no-see friends, I was surprised at how our topic of conversation have shifted dramatically (well, this time with less drama). All of us were talking about college, life, future careers, financial management, and contemplating when we should have a husband (for me, I don’t really think about this right now). We were discussing whether college life or High School life is more fun, and most of them said that High School is better for them. Besides my reading sessions for the past months, May was all about that really… The next thing you know, I booked a flight back to Jakarta.
some additional moments:
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| little sis' graduation^ |
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random thoughts
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Regarding the related topics, let me make myself clear on my personal opinion and maybe it can shed the light to open a new perspective on how I see those things. First, the reason why I don’t really think about my ‘marriage’. Have you ever fallen in love? Does it hurt? Or was it worth it? Was it great? For me, love is complicated. I used to be a person who craved love from other people. I craved attention and I wanted to be with someone who can make me fulfilled. And when my one-sided love for a person accompanied me through Middle School and High School, my belief system on love have been a paradox. I told you, it’s complicated. At some point in my life, I don’t believe in love. I think love is just very superficial these days. Or maybe, love is always superficial? But, I can’t help but be open to the possibility of a remarkable love expression from myself and other people. Sometimes, I can’t help but wonder how would my life be if I were in a relationship right now. The real one. The real relationship. Not just ‘talking’ or Indonesian called it ‘jalanin aja dulu’.
I guess after I have found ‘love’ within myself, I finally realized how stupid it was to crave love from people. Maybe love is stupid? Or am I stupid? Either way, being single for life has crossed my mind. I don’t really know whether this is because I am being cold or because I have been hurt too many times? 😀 You see, people weren't nice before. Therefore, when people suddenly changed the way they treat you, it makes you overthink things. It makes you wonder what would they do to you if you are still the nobody that you were. Or maybe, after building and knowing your worth, you will know what kind of people you want to let into your soul. Choosing who is worth your full attention and love. Sorry for the rambling, but it's just the things that popped into my head while I am writing this update. So, yeah, I don't really want to think about it. Do you believe in soulmates?
Do you believe that maybe your future significant others would be worth the chaos?
Would they be the ones that you always imagined them to be?
Next question, College or High School life? I always answer this question complicatedly :D. Well, for me, there are always positives and negatives to everything, right? I learned a lot in college, I think I have developed myself better throughout college, but I can’t say that High School wasn’t fun. High School was pretty dramatic. By ‘pretty’ I mean like a hell of a ride. A massive roller coaster ride. My memories from High School are filled with lots of emotions. Either way, I learned from High School too tho. I think University and High School are pretty much the same(?). I mean I gained and lost friends. I made mistakes. I become weirder throughout the years. I got to learn new things. I had experienced amusing and mediocre experiences.
Thus, everything can never be taken for granted right? Everything has its lessons, everyone gave you new perspectives, every time is worth the time and every day is a gift. So, the things that I learned had built who I am today and I am pretty damn proud of myself. In the past, Evie has had her rocky journey but in the present Evie is a pretty damn great climber and I hope that in the future Evie will be more than just a climber. She will be a great swimmer, walker, runner, rider, driver, and many other things that could be taken down step by step. Bit by bit. Slowly but surely. I hope that she will achieve everything and cherish every single moment of her life as a blessing to humble herself.
I guess that is it for this update. I am going to give you the update in June and July later on. I will write you more this time. I promise. I am also planning to make a post on some books recommendation that I have been reading.
Thank you for sticking around til’ the end.
With love,
epi.
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