reopening old chapters.

Wassup peeps 👋🏻

I know I said on my previous blog that I would be writing about some books recommendation that I have been reading, but I think I am not in the mood to write about that now. Sorry, a lot has been going on right now. So, here I am writing my thoughts down so I won’t be overthinking too much. By ‘too much’ means ‘over too much’ 😀. There have been a lot of things on my mind that I don't think will make any sense but here I am writing about them anyway.

Do you remember the student exchange program that I was talking about in my previous post? Well, the truth is, my Compulsory Study Abroad has been occupying me with a lot of things needed to be done. I am going to South Korea in less than two weeks and I have no idea what am I doing right now. I mean, I am choosing my courses to attend later on in my university after all of the hecticness on my visa application, insurance, bank statement, etc, I am filled with lots of emotions right now. I have always wanted to study abroad because it always has been a dream for me to move far away from my hometown while learning new things. For a while, I felt euphoric and it seems that most of my prayers have come true, but on the other hand, I felt anxious and insecure about what was about to happen later on when I went abroad.

Not to mention all of the responsibilities that I put myself into, I feel like I am rushing into things and juggling around diverse experiences all at once, and yet, I still tend to think that I am not doing enough. I don’t know whether I can handle all of the ‘adult’ obligations that I am about to devour. I can’t believe that I am an adult this year (yes, I am about to turn 20 this year). Say goodbye to my teenage daydream because I am finally stepping into an adulthood filled with pressures and expectations. Not saying that all of us aren’t built upon expectations throughout our life, I am just saying that those expectations would be much more pressure than we have ever expected.

Have you wondered what your inner child wants you to do? What would they say about the person you are today? Would they be proud? Would the little you be proud of you? I have been contemplating those questions a lot these days. Little Evie was a …..? I don't know who she is or who she was. Some people say that our inner child was slowly buried as we grew up in a dictated environment. So, there’s a possibility that your inner child, your purest soul, is buried within you and waiting for you to open the door so they can get out and play again. I am not sure, but I remembered that I was a talkative kid(?). I was intrigued by lots of things. Was always fascinated with anything that I thought was cool enough to be cool.

When I was in kindergarten, I wanted to be a contractor. Why? I grew up watching Handy Mandy (If you don’t know what this is, from what I have remembered, it’s a cartoon where the main character - Mandy - was always there to repair any damage in his neighborhood. He was helped with his ‘alive’ tools and they would always sing before they fix things.) I was always fascinated by how they worked. I remember asking, if being a contractor or being a repairman would be that fun, then I would love to have that as a living. Then, when I went to elementary, I had some of the dream jobs that you probably had once in your life. I wanted to be a (1) doctor, (2) teacher, and (4) a badminton player. (I know. Diverse isn’t it?) Let's start with the reasoning, shall we?

The first option was because it felt like the right dream to have. Most of my friends wanted to become a doctor because they think that the job is a noble thing to have. Adding to our parents who also think the same thing, I guess because we were kids, we just went along with it. I mean, I went along with it. I did become a ‘Dokter Cilik’ for a while because I thought that giving CPR was the coolest thing ever (still very cool tho). So then I joined the club as a tiny ‘doctor’ and it went well(?). I mean I had fun and we got to learn at the clinic (which was ‘cool’ enough to chill in during the hot-sunny weather of Pekanbaru).

The second option was there because I had no idea what dream I should have had at the time and I thought that choosing the closest job you have as a kid was the most convenient thing to do :D. Surprisingly, that dream slowly faded away once I realized how tough being a teacher can be. I mean students most of the time hate you because you were giving them homework (which I relate to now after my experience in being a tutor 🥲) and immature kids can be annoying sometimes (I mean they are cute, but will be draining on a not-so-good day 😭).

Although I thought that dream never come true, here I am talking about the next big bucket list of mine that little Evie won't ever have in her mind. Like EVER. After nearly 2 years of majoring in International Relations, I realized how education could be so fun, and yet many people are neglecting their opportunities in school. Sadly, most of the people out there who want to learn, couldn’t, due to some circumstances, and yet most of the privileged people, don't even realize how lucky they are. I mean I was like that. I didn't realize how lucky I was to have the learning environment that I know some kids out there would crave to be in my shoes. Therefore, one of the bucket lists that I hope I can fulfill is building a school. Or maybe a small education platform where I can help people to enjoy learning more because as someone who didn't want to learn anything, I would love to share my experience in making 'studying’ or ‘learning' a passion and as a journey of life. Let's just hope that I will fulfill it.

Next, you are probably wondering why I had option number four in mind 😆. My dad plays Badminton quite often and I remembered he brought me to his game for the first time I was amazed at how the shuttle cock can move so intensely. The sound they were making when they smashed with their racket made me wonder what it takes for me to do that one day. Ever since then, I have been playing badminton to test my limits. Practicing every week got me better every day. The hard works and dedications I have put into Badminton were for one of the big dreams I have never fulfilled yet. Being a badminton player to represent Indonesia. I know. It was a big dream. Unfortunately, just as I was planning to register myself into one of the biggest Badminton player recruitment from PB Djarum (it's an Indonesian Badminton foundation), things happened that pulled me down into a not-so-happy moment in my life. I had to quit Badminton. Turns out, that quitting badminton for 2 years had downgraded my ability in playing badminton. The next thing you know, when there was another open recruitment, I was too insecure to apply.

When I went to High School, I didn’t have the same enthusiasm as I had back when I thought the world was sunshine and rainbows. To be honest, life is tough. I didn’t have any motivation to reach anything specific. Through the endless routines of classes, homework, and choir practices, I didn’t have much in mind. All I wanted to do was try to feel more ‘alive’. I was having lots of identity crises while questioning my truest purposes as a human being. I always have this gut feeling that I wanted to do something big. It never crossed my mind that ‘big’ means ‘being good. Being good with yourself. Being good towards others. Being good in what you are doing. Being good at doing what you love. You don’t have to be great at everything. You just have to start with ‘good’. Good enough to start, good enough to stop, and good enough to accept yourself.

That’s when I started my diet journey. I lost a total of 10 kilos in 3 months and lost weight from my heaviest point to about 25 kilos. It wasn’t easy, it was hell. I did my calorie deficit and being a kid who used to eat 5 times a day to someone who meals prep her food was completely out of my expectation at the time. I didn’t realize that I was ‘good’ enough to start that journey and it took me long enough to understand that I am ‘good’ enough to stop. It takes time to have that balance in our life, to understand when to start, stop and finally accept who we are along the way. It takes me 19 years to comprehend that nobody should dictate the way we feel and the way we want to express ourselves as human beings.

Why am I talking about this you ask? Because for these couple of years, I have been reflecting to understand what I truly want in life. What my soul truly desires and what I truly would love to do. I had many people in my past telling me how I should live my life but then I ask myself: “They don’t even know you, nobody does, and nobody will. You are the only one who can truly understand yourself, and yet you are still struggling with that. So, why are you giving those people the control you shouldn’t give?”. Through these types of questions and other related questions, I realized that life isn’t about ‘finding’ yourself, it’s about ‘building’ yourself. We weren’t placed on this earth with an ultimate purpose, we are here to create the purpose. We are here to ask ourselves what we truly are made of and what you would like to add to that. What story? What plot? What development you would want in your life? Who would you like to accept into your life?

I had this energetic, fun, and chaotic energy when I was little and I lost her once through all of the expectations and pressures. ‘reopening old chapters’ here means that I want to let my inner child out again. I want her to explore all of her creativity through her crazy imagination and her passions in life. I want to provide her the space that she deserves but didn’t get when she was the little me. I want her to know that it’s okay to outgrow people who used to be there because sometimes, people are just meant to be temporary and she would find those who are worth to last forever. Through this post, I want to let you know that I am slowly opening her out there to the world so she could fulfill many of her ultimate bucket lists. I hope that she would fulfill her dreams and let go of those who don’t deserve her childish soul. I hope that she would understand how to know when to start, when to stop, and accept herself as the way she was in the past, the way she is in the present, and the way she will be in the future. 

With love,

epi.

[28/02/22] 01.07

Seoul, South Korea

I start writing earlier this month... but I have been procrastinating so I just finished it tonight lmao.