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turning twenty in twenty-twenty two.


birth-day

/ˈbərTHˌdā/


noun

the anniversary of the day on which a person was born, is typically as an occasion for celebration and the giving of gifts.



I don’t remember why the sudden gloominess always occurred whenever it was my birthday but from what I have always remembered the relationship I had with my birthday(s) are always rocky. Maybe it’s because I used to compare the way I celebrate my birthday with my friends in school and most of the time I would be disappointed on the day. My friends used to have all of these celebrations during their birthdays where they invited their amazing friends (Sometimes I was included and sometimes I wasn't) with their amazing star guests and little Epi was sad because of the contrasts. Although I was invited to some of their birthdays when I was a kid, I tend to compare their birthdays with mine. I tend to question whether it’s alright to celebrate my birthday the way I want to and not the way people expect me to do it. Yes, parties and pretty dresses are cool, I mean very explicitly bougie for me, but I don’t know why I don’t see myself in that kind of celebration. Maybe because of the high expectations that I gave for my birthdays? Or the pressures on how birthdays are supposed to be celebrated? Or back then when no one recognized me and I had to celebrate my ‘day’ through that emptiness? And back when I did celebrate my birthday with some of my closest. 


After several self-reflection, I guess that’s why I am gloomy during my birthdays(?). I can’t help but imagine a couple years ago when I was ‘celebrating’ my birthdays just like any other ordinary day. No celebrations. No gifts. Nothing special at all. So now, when my birthday comes up, I guess subconsciously my little self is mixed with diverse feelings of sadness and happiness. She is in despair about the contrast between how she was being treated back then to the present times. But, she is also happy with how she has grown up and surrounded herself with people who showed her that it is not hard to receive love from other people.




I think a birthday is an excuse for us to celebrate a day better than others.



I know. Such a skeptic of me. But hear me out. Birthday is just a day. Your life is your everyday. Experiences, life lessons, choices, and routines are what build who we are. A day is never enough to summarize your entire journey. So why don’t we celebrate every day as our birthday? We grow every day, don’t we? We learn every day, don’t we?


I am in South Korea right now and I have no idea why I felt more ‘myself’ here than back home. How can people who come from all over the world make you feel more belong than the ones back home? But what I learned throughout the entire process is to cherish every single moment of my life. Maybe my mind is lying to me and telling me all of these scenes that might not be true. Maybe I had great birthdays in the past. Or maybe I didn’t? I am not sure but life has been amazing lately and I don’t want to waste any moments reminiscing my bitter-sweet past. I learned not to have too high of expectations and be grateful for what has been given to me. 


So, from the bottom of my heart, I would like to send you my biggest gratitude and say thank you. Thank you to everyone who has come into my life and who has gone out of my life. Thank you for all of the stories, tears, and cheers. Thank you for contributing to shaping the person that I am today. Thank you for recognizing this small little bean. Thank you for helping me celebrate the day that I rarely celebrate. Thank you for the birthday wishes for this ordinary person. Thank you for making this mediocre day a bit special for me this year. Here’s to another year. Another series of days. 



With love,

epi. 


29.11.22 [13.56] 

Sungkyunkwan University, 

Seoul, South Korea.



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